San Juan Batista Mission

I spent the day with Ben's class at the San Juan Batista Mission today.  The district has no buses so parents have to volunteer to drive the kids and spend time chaperoning whomever is in their particular car.  This can work for or against you, depending on which children you get.

Ben was, of course, in my van along with 3 other kids.  I only knew one of the other kids by name but we all piled in, had our discussion of expected behavior, talked about food allergies and after everyone said they were clear I passed out food to munch while we made the trek.  The drive was beautiful once we cleared Santa Cruz, there were rolling hills, farms, and lots of animals to view.

Surprisingly, the Docent lead tour was extremely interesting and I feel as if my group of kids were (by far) the best behaved.  We walked, didn't wrestle on the ground, weren't rude, had thoughtful comments and questions to add, and worked well as a team together.  There were fledging groups all over the place, some from our own class, but that's ok.  Ben's friends probably thought I was a bit of a hard ass but when you're an adult you just can't behave like a misfit because the mood strikes you and how else will you learn unless you practice in real situations.

If you change nothing, nothing will change.

If you change nothing, nothing will change. 

I have to read that statement over and over to realize that its true and that sometimes things do need to change.  Usually there is room for improvement, I recognize it in myself and some days I am fired up to move mountains but other days I struggle to keep up with the status quo.  Being on top of my game here at home is challenging, add into that building my new relationships with friends, caring for Tuva in his elder years, staying in touch with friends around the country, and making time for self focus and we're all out of hours in the day.

This past week had me sit quietly in a room (really with headphones on listening to music because I can't get peace in the evenings with a house full of boys) and trying to center my own thoughts.  I have come to realize that, just like high school and a short stint in college, I need noise.  Maybe when its too quiet I have to overcompensate and my inner voice just screams at me, its much calmer when there is organized chaos (hmm maybe that's why being a 911 Dispatcher was a good fit, it was chaotic the entire shift every day).  "Quietly" I reflected and was asked to consider the question "What is it you are hoping to achieve from this program?"  In all actuality I am staring at that question quickly scribbled onto a piece of paper next to me and it almost makes me anxious.  I feel selfish when I am only thinking of me.  I feel sad that I am going on this road alone, though I suppose I am not alone because a few of my closest friends and family are aware of this too and I have gotten some encouraging messages. What do I want....what do I want?

I haven't fully declared what I want (yet, but I know I will because this was from last week and I am onto a new week so there are new questions/actions to tackle) but when I do I may share here.

Excuses are so easy, they take a second to roll off of your tongue and you forget what your main goal was a lot of the time.  Excuses don't have a particular time of the day they need, a special room or equipment, and they don't cost money.

Sam's 6!

My littlest monkey, Sam, turned 6 yesterday.  Time seriously flies. I remember holding him when he was born and being in awe of how insanely beautiful he was and how he looked at me.  

So what?

Does this look like anything out of the ordinary to you?  Probably not.  Its a woman in a kayak looking at a seagull (BORING, they are everywhere!) and an otter. Wait?!  An otter?!  Yes, that's an otter and I was within probably 15ft and observed it crack something open and eat it.  Talk about an experience.  When I take my boys to the Monterey Bay Aquarium we are usually lucky enough only to see the otters swimming a few short laps around their pool and then we move on.  This time I was able to witness something amazing in its own habitat.

Why does this matter?  I suppose I have been feeling a bit like I'm in a pool and am only able to take a few short laps everyday.  I have 3 needy boys who I spend 99% of my time dedicated to.  Parenting isn't for the faint of heart, nor for the short on time.   Over the past few (short) years I had taken my life back by joining a gym and losing 30+lbs and gaining confidence and a new sense of accomplishment that I hadn't felt since I had a paid job.  I stuck with it, embraced my new lifestyle and achieved more than I ever thought I could.

All of that fell to the wayside when I heard Brent say "We have to move again."  Again.  It was always again, we hadn't been stable in the same house or state even for years.  Moving and rebuilding your life is a hell of a lot of work and takes its toll.  My kids are extremely resilient but I find myself, as I age, not to be so resilient.  Sure, I smile and just plug along and make new friends and find new doctors but I am suffering.  I feel shy and intimidated in new social situations.  Our move to Oregon was horrendous, the first house was just not enough.  By enough I mean big enough, clean enough, and not close enough to the right side of town where I was always having to go.  If memory serves, it took nearly 9 months to correct that mistake and the kids suffered because I was so miserable.

My least favorite phrase "We have to move again." was uttered when we were about to buy our next home.  It was a charming bungalow with 3 floors but it needed some Wickens love.  I was excited to start over in our own home.  I was forced to remind myself that because of all of the sacrifice and hard work Brent was being promoted and sent to Corporate. This was a goal we had as a couple for nearly 9 years, every sacrifice in our personal lives was because of this move.  To say I was angry when I heard those words again was absolutely true, but I was also thrilled that FINALLY Brent was getting what he deserves.

Leaving our new friends was tough and I cried. A lot.  The kids cried a lot and begged to be taken back. For weeks we moped in our new town and like fish out of water we flapped around trying to make heads or tails of our new community.  The school district was not helpful, and even hindering, and after only 4 months I couldn't take it anymore and demanded we move to a more normal area.

Santa Cruz is, truly, feeling like home.  We are settled, close to Corporate, and now searching for a new home to buy and give the Wickens love to.  I know what you're thinking. So what? Honestly, I think that too.  So what?

The what is control.  I'm getting it back.  Gee, I see that written and I think to myself that's a bit dramatic.  I really don't think it is.  I feel as if I have been on auto pilot for about 25 months and I need to turn it off.  Is the perception people have about me the same as I have?  Who knows, I can only control myself.

Stay tuned, there is more to come...