So what?

Does this look like anything out of the ordinary to you?  Probably not.  Its a woman in a kayak looking at a seagull (BORING, they are everywhere!) and an otter. Wait?!  An otter?!  Yes, that's an otter and I was within probably 15ft and observed it crack something open and eat it.  Talk about an experience.  When I take my boys to the Monterey Bay Aquarium we are usually lucky enough only to see the otters swimming a few short laps around their pool and then we move on.  This time I was able to witness something amazing in its own habitat.

Why does this matter?  I suppose I have been feeling a bit like I'm in a pool and am only able to take a few short laps everyday.  I have 3 needy boys who I spend 99% of my time dedicated to.  Parenting isn't for the faint of heart, nor for the short on time.   Over the past few (short) years I had taken my life back by joining a gym and losing 30+lbs and gaining confidence and a new sense of accomplishment that I hadn't felt since I had a paid job.  I stuck with it, embraced my new lifestyle and achieved more than I ever thought I could.

All of that fell to the wayside when I heard Brent say "We have to move again."  Again.  It was always again, we hadn't been stable in the same house or state even for years.  Moving and rebuilding your life is a hell of a lot of work and takes its toll.  My kids are extremely resilient but I find myself, as I age, not to be so resilient.  Sure, I smile and just plug along and make new friends and find new doctors but I am suffering.  I feel shy and intimidated in new social situations.  Our move to Oregon was horrendous, the first house was just not enough.  By enough I mean big enough, clean enough, and not close enough to the right side of town where I was always having to go.  If memory serves, it took nearly 9 months to correct that mistake and the kids suffered because I was so miserable.

My least favorite phrase "We have to move again." was uttered when we were about to buy our next home.  It was a charming bungalow with 3 floors but it needed some Wickens love.  I was excited to start over in our own home.  I was forced to remind myself that because of all of the sacrifice and hard work Brent was being promoted and sent to Corporate. This was a goal we had as a couple for nearly 9 years, every sacrifice in our personal lives was because of this move.  To say I was angry when I heard those words again was absolutely true, but I was also thrilled that FINALLY Brent was getting what he deserves.

Leaving our new friends was tough and I cried. A lot.  The kids cried a lot and begged to be taken back. For weeks we moped in our new town and like fish out of water we flapped around trying to make heads or tails of our new community.  The school district was not helpful, and even hindering, and after only 4 months I couldn't take it anymore and demanded we move to a more normal area.

Santa Cruz is, truly, feeling like home.  We are settled, close to Corporate, and now searching for a new home to buy and give the Wickens love to.  I know what you're thinking. So what? Honestly, I think that too.  So what?

The what is control.  I'm getting it back.  Gee, I see that written and I think to myself that's a bit dramatic.  I really don't think it is.  I feel as if I have been on auto pilot for about 25 months and I need to turn it off.  Is the perception people have about me the same as I have?  Who knows, I can only control myself.

Stay tuned, there is more to come...